Journals287
Newest
Indefinite Hiatus
2 min read
Just an update. As mentioned some time ago I probably won’t be active at all around here as things happened and I cannot draw right now anyway. No use in checking a gallery I won’t update anyway.
For any questions regarding usage of my art, characters or purchasing my P2U Linearts via PayPal, please contact me directly through this email: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
The reason for my absence, in case anyone even gives a shit (I surely don’t anymore):
I tried to study this year, software engineering. Applied, got enrolled and spent fucking MONTHS trying to secure funding. Applied for loans, in my home country, in foreign countries, Peer2Peer, questionable, unquestionable, scholarships, anything. Got nothing. Had to cancel my enrollment today, because with lack of funding I am over the time I could still start anyways.
It was my last chance. I tried everything these past years. All I have to show is several places I almost but not quiet made it. Fucking wanted to join the army. They always need cannon fodder, right? Well, tough luck, got through the whole process only to get denied on account of “not being healthy enough”. I would have literally died for this fuckhole of a country and they don’t even let me. Keep complaining about not having enough soldiers, see if I care anymore.
Next thing is studying software engineering. Government screams about not having enough ppl in IT jobs. IT security ppl are in high demand, exactly what I want to study. They wouldn’t deny me the ability to study, right? Fuck me once again.
Equality of opportunity goes only so far and stops once money is involved.
850 fucking Euro per month, that is all I needed. Not as a gift, but just a fucking loan from the government and I can’t get it. Tried everything, but there is always one reason why I cannot get anything.
I am done with this shit. I cannot do this anymore.
For any questions, my email is at the start of this rant. I probably won’t check dA anymore, but I check emails. Most days.
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add whitty yet emotional title here
1 min read
Tried to draw again for the first time since months. Been sitting in front of an empty canvas for three hours now.
Sorry to the three ppl still watching this gallery, but it seems like I lost what little inspiration I had left.
My last chance at a future has been taken from me as well. College starts in two weeks and despite immense efforts I couldn't get any kind of financing for it for living expanses (fun fact: I wouldn't study art in case anyone would be wondering). Can't even get a shady bank loan. Thought at least they would give me money.
As it stands now I will have to ex-matriculate in a few weeks.
If I drop off the earth again, you know why now. Not much reason to keep up with a gallery if I cannot draw anymore anyways.
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Status Update!
1 min read
Hey, so, apparently I am back. Or something.
Bare with me. I just recently started drawing again and trying to catch up on things. Trying to get back into some form of normality here.
I nuked my whole notification center and probably will do the same with all the older notes, since I won't be able to catch up with all that.
If you have sent me a note with something important and it has already been sometime since you sent it, please resent it or answer to this journal.
In the meantime watch out for some new art to come.
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Do not stand at my grave and weep...
4 min read
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Stehe nicht an meinem Grab und weine.
Ich bin nicht dort, ich schlafe nicht.
Ich bin wie tausend Winde, die wehen.
Ich bin das diamantene Glitzern des Schnees.
Ich bin das Sonnenlicht.
Ich bin der sanfte Herbstregen.
Ich bin der Morgentau.
Wenn du aufwachst in des Morgens Stille,
bin ich der flinke Flügelschlag friedlicher Vögel im kreisenden Flug.
Ich bin der milde Stern, der in der Nacht leuchtet.
Stehe nicht an meinem Grab und weine
Ich bin nicht dort, ich bin nicht tot.
I only told four people till now, but on 5th September 2015 our second dog, Daylight or short Dayli, died of complications after an emergency operation in the early morning.
My one year hiatus in 2016 was because of that. I couldn't draw, I simply couldn't.
Two years later, my beautiful girl Spike died this morning, 9th of October 2017, around 8 am from acute kidney failure after the vet did everything to save her.
Last time it hurt, but there was still Spike at home.
I haven't slept in two days, barely eaten. I'm sick to my stomach and close to fainting.
This time I am not sure how to keep on living. Everything I tried was for her. I cannot, WILL NOT, say goodbye to any of them. They where everything I had and now both are gone.
I am not saying goodbye because I hope I will see them again some day.
The vet bill now exceeds everything we had. Thanks to a friend and your support so far we could pay the bill.
But I still have trouble paying the health insurance not to say buy food for the month.
We are now selling everything in this house that is not nailed to the floor.
After this I do not know I can ever pick up a pen again. I will try my best to finish every already paid for commission. But I am not sure I can work on any from the unpaid ones. Please give me some time. I will contact you all and give you my decision.
After that I will most likely go into an indefinite hiatus and probably leave dA and cancel Patreon. Right now I cannot say if I will ever return after that.
My PayPal is still up for donations: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
As is my Kofi: ko-fi.com/A678TRM
You can also reach me under my PayPal info email.
Thanks for all your support.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Stehe nicht an meinem Grab und weine.
Ich bin nicht dort, ich schlafe nicht.
Ich bin wie tausend Winde, die wehen.
Ich bin das diamantene Glitzern des Schnees.
Ich bin das Sonnenlicht.
Ich bin der sanfte Herbstregen.
Ich bin der Morgentau.
Wenn du aufwachst in des Morgens Stille,
bin ich der flinke Flügelschlag friedlicher Vögel im kreisenden Flug.
Ich bin der milde Stern, der in der Nacht leuchtet.
Stehe nicht an meinem Grab und weine
Ich bin nicht dort, ich bin nicht tot.
I only told four people till now, but on 5th September 2015 our second dog, Daylight or short Dayli, died of complications after an emergency operation in the early morning.
My one year hiatus in 2016 was because of that. I couldn't draw, I simply couldn't.
Two years later, my beautiful girl Spike died this morning, 9th of October 2017, around 8 am from acute kidney failure after the vet did everything to save her.
Last time it hurt, but there was still Spike at home.
I haven't slept in two days, barely eaten. I'm sick to my stomach and close to fainting.
This time I am not sure how to keep on living. Everything I tried was for her. I cannot, WILL NOT, say goodbye to any of them. They where everything I had and now both are gone.
I am not saying goodbye because I hope I will see them again some day.
The vet bill now exceeds everything we had. Thanks to a friend and your support so far we could pay the bill.
But I still have trouble paying the health insurance not to say buy food for the month.
We are now selling everything in this house that is not nailed to the floor.
After this I do not know I can ever pick up a pen again. I will try my best to finish every already paid for commission. But I am not sure I can work on any from the unpaid ones. Please give me some time. I will contact you all and give you my decision.
After that I will most likely go into an indefinite hiatus and probably leave dA and cancel Patreon. Right now I cannot say if I will ever return after that.
My PayPal is still up for donations: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
As is my Kofi: ko-fi.com/A678TRM
You can also reach me under my PayPal info email.
Thanks for all your support.
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EMERGENCY VET UPDATE!!!! Sick pup!!
11 min read
UPDATE October 8th:
Last night was hell. After she kept puking her guts out. I simply dropped all meds we got on Friday and gave her some tablets for heartburn. She stopped puking but I checked on her every 30 minutes during the whole night to make sure she was still there. She really went downhill this weekend.
During the night I already decided to take her to the emergency vet if we could get a hold of a driver with car.
To my luck we could and off we went in the early morning. We went straight to the clinic and the vet there was not only much more competent but also much more giving with information.
He at once decided to make an ultrasound and blood test to see what he could find.
20 minutes of ultrasound found nothing bad there (and you could hear a collective sigh of relieve there). Ultrasound can't penetrate the stomach much so it might be any number of stomach related problems.
Blood test came back surprisingly well considering her organs. Problem is her hematocrit, blood pressure and body temp are really low. The life threatening problem is an extremely low ph of the blood.
They are right now keeping her there until six this evening giving her meds and infusions. I have to call then and see how she does. If she is better I can take her home, if not they will keep her over night.
Right now that means I am facing a bill of at least 410USD.
That is more then is currently in my account and I will have to pay all of it once I pick her up, meaning for the first time I will have to overdraw my account. Also, half of it I can't even spend because that is the money my health insurance (which I'll have you know is NOT optional in this country, I can't get away from paying it) is taking on the 15th.
Please consider commissioning a smaller commission from me. Pricelist!
My Patreon page can be found here: Patreon
PayPal info: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
KoFi: Buy me a coffee!
I need every bit of money I can get since after paying the vet bill we still need to survive the month AND pay my health insurance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for my silence.
Thursday afternoon I decided to make a vet appointment for Spike of Friday morning. We went there and while there also did weigh her and to my shock she didn't simply loose weight, she now is official underweight. She went from almost 80lbs to now barely over 68lbs in the matter of a few months (she has already lost some weight back in may after her last vestibular attack, but 80lbs was the last time I did weigh her).
When we got there the vet didn't say anything about the weight. Heart and lymph knots where alright. But like last time her stomach hurt.
For now, since it was almost weekend, she gave my dog two injections, one against the pain and one against the nausea (sadly, on the bill it wasn't mentioned what exactly, but from our discussion before I have to assume it was Novalgin for the pain and Emeprid injection for the nausea) and enough Emeprid liquid to last us till Sunday evening. After we got back all seemed better, she was more alert. Only thing bothering me was the (again) worse smell from her mouth since she barfed up that special gastrointestinal sensitive dog food a week ago (which was what started everything going downhill).
Two hours after being back she threw up again. An hour later again and once during the night. I'd say it got worse. Looking up Novalgin it mentions (what else can it be) nausea and vomiting as one of the top side effects. If I was right and she got Novalgin it might explain that. And we had to resort to a guy living across the street to take us to the vet and his way of driving a car made even me sick. And Spike could never stomach car rides very well.
She hasn't eaten all Friday. Saturday morning she threw up again even after getting the Emeprid, but I still hope it might be the side effect from the Novalgin, but it also might have been sickness because of an empty stomach. So far she hasn't thrown up again since this morning but she still refuses to eat. I have to force feed her half a spoonful of pureed chicken and potatoes every 30min so she at least has a bit in her stomach and hope the Emeprid does its job. She also seems to suffer from some more side effects from the Emeprid, like fatigue, restlessness and balance problems.
Fun thing, like last time the only thing she still does eat on her own is spongy cake. :/ Which of course she can't have.
I have no other choice but to make another vet appointment on Monday. The vet said if it isn't getting better over the weekend she will make a blood test on Monday to rule out kidney or liver problems, which I think it is not. I think it might be a severe gastritis or (worst case) acid reflux.
It looks like it will cost a lot more. Vet bill on Friday was so far: ca. 52 USD.
I thank everyone who supported me so far.
I hope I can raise enough money to pay for the next bill as well.
I just don't want to loose her too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT:
She threw up again. -.- After it went alright for two days. But apparently she gets sick from the medication, the medication that was supposed to help her with her heartburn. We tried two different medications (got them from the vet) and from both she got sick. Half an hour later she ate pretty much a whole chicken leg. So far she hasn't thrown up again. We wait till tomorrow and give her some more goats milk and healing earth, which is so far the only thing she never threw up from, but of course it works way slower than the medication would (if she wouldn't be getting sick from them). If she keeps eating tomorrow again and doesn't throw up again we might stand a chance. If not we will have to take her to the vet again, which will be a huge problem because we only have 190 bucks for two people and a dog left for the entire month. Vet takes only hard cash so I can't even ask for a bill to pay later. Meaning I am at the point I have to ask you for help. I already sold everything I could including a bike we had. We have no goods left we can sell. The last thing at home with any monetary worth at all is my 7 year old laptop I still desperately need to apply for jobs and work on commissions. We don't even have a car (which also means we again have to ask a work colleague of my mom for help getting Spike to the vet, he already helped us so much). Whatever any of you can spare of change, please consider helping me keep my pup alive:
I don't want to loose her.
I have several commissions still on my list, but I cannot work on them right now, because all of them are large ones. At least once every hour I need to try feeding her or giving her the high energy paste. Which also includes getting up every hour at night to check on her. Half the days I am downstairs (my tiny room is upstairs) to keep an eye on her as long as mom is working. I have barely time to sit down and draw or even sleep a full night so right now I only can work on smaller stuff. Please consider commissioning a smaller commission from me. Pricelist!
My Patreon page can be found here: Patreon
PayPal info: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
KoFi: Buy me a coffee!
I hope all my work to finally getting a good apprenticeship is paying of and I want her to still be here when it is finally time to move then.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the few of you who actually read my last status (from a month ago) or are waiting for a commission, here are a few updates:
Like I said in my status I didn't go online much due to application stress. I was working on almost 50 applications to hopefully land a job next year. In a moment of total helplessness and because I KNOW how bad my writing is I acquired some help with my applications to improve my chances to get on of the jobs. One month later I just yesterday sent out the last of my applications and now have to play the waiting game.
BUT of course that is not all. About a month ago Spike (my dog) stopped eating her usual food. Since our vet didn't say anything about her last vestibular syndrome episode where she was throwing up everything, we thought after that episode her stomach problems should be alright again. Of course it wasn't. She either had a very bad case of an upset stomach or she did in fact have gastritis. So far we assume the latter, which means giving her dry dog food would of course result in the same problem again after a while. Which it did. She lost about 6lbs which makes her now underweight and she still cannot keep much down. Basically she suffers from severe heartburn. She got meds to reduce stomach acid which resulted in her being sick (yes, being sick is one of the most frequent side effects .-.) We stopped giving her meds and are now feeding her with oatmeal gruel and pureed chicken breast and potatoes which I pretty much have to force feed her since she doesn't like it. But it keeps the acid in check. She also gets goat milk (which also helps her reduce stomach acid) and healing earth. So far she hasn't thrown up for two days in a row. She also gets high calorie paste to keep her from loosing more weight. I hope in a few days she starts eating a bit more on her own.
Once she starts eating again we can only feed her canned dog food and of course she can't stomach the cheap stuff. Even most of the expensive stuff she gets sick from. So now it is either the kind that is 100% meat or cooking myself (both amount to the same cost here). In the end this is very expensive.
So far we had costs of 70 bucks for the high energy paste, at least 30 bucks for the dog food she got so far, and 10 bucks for the meds. And 100 bucks for my application help (or did you think that was for free?). It ate up ALL the savings we had and even more.
And of course my motivation for drawing is at an all time low. One of my oldest and closest friend on here just left dA (most likely forever) and pretty much any other friend around me is in some kind of shit I cannot help them out of.
I will try to get back into drawing properly and work on some commissions again since we desperately need the money. If you are interested in a commission, here is a small Price List!
Last night was hell. After she kept puking her guts out. I simply dropped all meds we got on Friday and gave her some tablets for heartburn. She stopped puking but I checked on her every 30 minutes during the whole night to make sure she was still there. She really went downhill this weekend.
During the night I already decided to take her to the emergency vet if we could get a hold of a driver with car.
To my luck we could and off we went in the early morning. We went straight to the clinic and the vet there was not only much more competent but also much more giving with information.
He at once decided to make an ultrasound and blood test to see what he could find.
20 minutes of ultrasound found nothing bad there (and you could hear a collective sigh of relieve there). Ultrasound can't penetrate the stomach much so it might be any number of stomach related problems.
Blood test came back surprisingly well considering her organs. Problem is her hematocrit, blood pressure and body temp are really low. The life threatening problem is an extremely low ph of the blood.
They are right now keeping her there until six this evening giving her meds and infusions. I have to call then and see how she does. If she is better I can take her home, if not they will keep her over night.
Right now that means I am facing a bill of at least 410USD.
That is more then is currently in my account and I will have to pay all of it once I pick her up, meaning for the first time I will have to overdraw my account. Also, half of it I can't even spend because that is the money my health insurance (which I'll have you know is NOT optional in this country, I can't get away from paying it) is taking on the 15th.
Please consider commissioning a smaller commission from me. Pricelist!
My Patreon page can be found here: Patreon
PayPal info: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
KoFi: Buy me a coffee!
I need every bit of money I can get since after paying the vet bill we still need to survive the month AND pay my health insurance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for my silence.
Thursday afternoon I decided to make a vet appointment for Spike of Friday morning. We went there and while there also did weigh her and to my shock she didn't simply loose weight, she now is official underweight. She went from almost 80lbs to now barely over 68lbs in the matter of a few months (she has already lost some weight back in may after her last vestibular attack, but 80lbs was the last time I did weigh her).
When we got there the vet didn't say anything about the weight. Heart and lymph knots where alright. But like last time her stomach hurt.
For now, since it was almost weekend, she gave my dog two injections, one against the pain and one against the nausea (sadly, on the bill it wasn't mentioned what exactly, but from our discussion before I have to assume it was Novalgin for the pain and Emeprid injection for the nausea) and enough Emeprid liquid to last us till Sunday evening. After we got back all seemed better, she was more alert. Only thing bothering me was the (again) worse smell from her mouth since she barfed up that special gastrointestinal sensitive dog food a week ago (which was what started everything going downhill).
Two hours after being back she threw up again. An hour later again and once during the night. I'd say it got worse. Looking up Novalgin it mentions (what else can it be) nausea and vomiting as one of the top side effects. If I was right and she got Novalgin it might explain that. And we had to resort to a guy living across the street to take us to the vet and his way of driving a car made even me sick. And Spike could never stomach car rides very well.
She hasn't eaten all Friday. Saturday morning she threw up again even after getting the Emeprid, but I still hope it might be the side effect from the Novalgin, but it also might have been sickness because of an empty stomach. So far she hasn't thrown up again since this morning but she still refuses to eat. I have to force feed her half a spoonful of pureed chicken and potatoes every 30min so she at least has a bit in her stomach and hope the Emeprid does its job. She also seems to suffer from some more side effects from the Emeprid, like fatigue, restlessness and balance problems.
Fun thing, like last time the only thing she still does eat on her own is spongy cake. :/ Which of course she can't have.
I have no other choice but to make another vet appointment on Monday. The vet said if it isn't getting better over the weekend she will make a blood test on Monday to rule out kidney or liver problems, which I think it is not. I think it might be a severe gastritis or (worst case) acid reflux.
It looks like it will cost a lot more. Vet bill on Friday was so far: ca. 52 USD.
I thank everyone who supported me so far.
I hope I can raise enough money to pay for the next bill as well.
I just don't want to loose her too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT:
She threw up again. -.- After it went alright for two days. But apparently she gets sick from the medication, the medication that was supposed to help her with her heartburn. We tried two different medications (got them from the vet) and from both she got sick. Half an hour later she ate pretty much a whole chicken leg. So far she hasn't thrown up again. We wait till tomorrow and give her some more goats milk and healing earth, which is so far the only thing she never threw up from, but of course it works way slower than the medication would (if she wouldn't be getting sick from them). If she keeps eating tomorrow again and doesn't throw up again we might stand a chance. If not we will have to take her to the vet again, which will be a huge problem because we only have 190 bucks for two people and a dog left for the entire month. Vet takes only hard cash so I can't even ask for a bill to pay later. Meaning I am at the point I have to ask you for help. I already sold everything I could including a bike we had. We have no goods left we can sell. The last thing at home with any monetary worth at all is my 7 year old laptop I still desperately need to apply for jobs and work on commissions. We don't even have a car (which also means we again have to ask a work colleague of my mom for help getting Spike to the vet, he already helped us so much). Whatever any of you can spare of change, please consider helping me keep my pup alive:
I don't want to loose her. I have several commissions still on my list, but I cannot work on them right now, because all of them are large ones. At least once every hour I need to try feeding her or giving her the high energy paste. Which also includes getting up every hour at night to check on her. Half the days I am downstairs (my tiny room is upstairs) to keep an eye on her as long as mom is working. I have barely time to sit down and draw or even sleep a full night so right now I only can work on smaller stuff. Please consider commissioning a smaller commission from me. Pricelist!
My Patreon page can be found here: Patreon
PayPal info: yedaji_nikopol@yahoo.com
KoFi: Buy me a coffee!
I hope all my work to finally getting a good apprenticeship is paying of and I want her to still be here when it is finally time to move then.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the few of you who actually read my last status (from a month ago) or are waiting for a commission, here are a few updates:
Like I said in my status I didn't go online much due to application stress. I was working on almost 50 applications to hopefully land a job next year. In a moment of total helplessness and because I KNOW how bad my writing is I acquired some help with my applications to improve my chances to get on of the jobs. One month later I just yesterday sent out the last of my applications and now have to play the waiting game.
BUT of course that is not all. About a month ago Spike (my dog) stopped eating her usual food. Since our vet didn't say anything about her last vestibular syndrome episode where she was throwing up everything, we thought after that episode her stomach problems should be alright again. Of course it wasn't. She either had a very bad case of an upset stomach or she did in fact have gastritis. So far we assume the latter, which means giving her dry dog food would of course result in the same problem again after a while. Which it did. She lost about 6lbs which makes her now underweight and she still cannot keep much down. Basically she suffers from severe heartburn. She got meds to reduce stomach acid which resulted in her being sick (yes, being sick is one of the most frequent side effects .-.) We stopped giving her meds and are now feeding her with oatmeal gruel and pureed chicken breast and potatoes which I pretty much have to force feed her since she doesn't like it. But it keeps the acid in check. She also gets goat milk (which also helps her reduce stomach acid) and healing earth. So far she hasn't thrown up for two days in a row. She also gets high calorie paste to keep her from loosing more weight. I hope in a few days she starts eating a bit more on her own.
Once she starts eating again we can only feed her canned dog food and of course she can't stomach the cheap stuff. Even most of the expensive stuff she gets sick from. So now it is either the kind that is 100% meat or cooking myself (both amount to the same cost here). In the end this is very expensive.
So far we had costs of 70 bucks for the high energy paste, at least 30 bucks for the dog food she got so far, and 10 bucks for the meds. And 100 bucks for my application help (or did you think that was for free?). It ate up ALL the savings we had and even more.
And of course my motivation for drawing is at an all time low. One of my oldest and closest friend on here just left dA (most likely forever) and pretty much any other friend around me is in some kind of shit I cannot help them out of.
I will try to get back into drawing properly and work on some commissions again since we desperately need the money. If you are interested in a commission, here is a small Price List!
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In